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INFO 11 Great Halloween Costumes For (people Who Hate Their) Kids - Part 1

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by DragonSVD, Oct 29, 2015.

INFO 11 Great Halloween Costumes For (people Who Hate Their) Kids - Part 1

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by DragonSVD, Oct 29, 2015.

  1. DragonSVD

    DragonSVD Professional Target Staff Member Tagged

    No one can tell you what the right costume is, but we can definitely tell you what the wrong ones are.

    #11. Invite Strangers To Grope Your Child

    A costume based on the game Twister sounds harmless and adorable until you remember that Twister is about gymnastics and you just turned your child into a walking yoga mat. The question you need to ask yourself is this: Are you fine with all your daughter's classmates shouting, "LEFT HAND BOOB"? No? Then don't buy this costume.

    "Left foot, your crotch, jackass."

    Christ on a biscuit. We can't even call this a case of simple ignorance because the costume design puts a hand RIGHT OVER the prepubescent wearer's chest. It also comes with a spinner on a headband, so people will be able to flick at your daughter's forehead with impunity. And just to complete the utter creepiness, we could not find a boys' version of this thing:

    Delete history, delete history, DELETE HISTORY.

    #10. Dress Your Kid Like Trash (Trash Not Included)

    A trash can has more potential than you might immediately suspect: Oscar the Grouch, R2-D2, and Bender Rodriguez are all reasonable options if you're gung-ho on getting your kid in the garbage one night of the year. But if you're short on time or just plain don't like your child, you can always send them into the dark night as a regular old trash can, colored in headlight-absorbing black:

    "That's a lovely 'levitating detritus' costume, young man."

    The entry title wasn't us being snarky either; it literally says that in the description:

    It's also the only Halloween costume that's more complicated to clean than a wedding dress.

    Not only are you expected to dress your kid in your own shirt, pants, and shoes, but now you have to provide your own garbage? What is this, Soviet Russia?

    #9. Turn Your Kid Into A Pinata

    Pinatas require physical aptitude and skill but still provide everybody with some candy, making it the ultimate kids' party game despite the mixed message it sends to bat-wielding children who don't fully grasp vertebrate anatomy yet. But as fun as it is, we have to question the wisdom of sending your child to school dressed as an object that traditionally has the crap beat out of it:

    "Today's the day I earn the respect of my peers!"

    Not only have you made your kid a target for every bully in a five-mile radius, you have to worry about all the lazy little bastards dressed up as little league players. This costume will immediately fire off the "sugar" and "casual violence" klaxons in their stupid ****ing peanut reptile brains. For the love of all that is good and holy, do not allow your kid to wear this unless you're sadistically concocting a "Boy Named Sue" scenario.

    #8. Dress Your Kid Like Whatever The Hell This Thing Is

    The official "description" refers to this thing as an earthworm, but that's pretty much the only thing we can conclusively say it's not:


    Should your kid wear this, nobody will want to go to the prom with him 10 years later
    (because his nickname's been "Alien Dick" for the past decade).
    Right now, our best guess is a flesh-colored ear of corn or a colon. Either way, it sucks. The costume makers also sell this crime against nature in adult sizes, but that isn't going to make your child feel better as he tries to explain that he's not a peach-flavored turd all night. Even the kid in the picture clearly has the look of someone who is being punished and trying not to show it:

    "It was either this or a trash can."

    #7. The Sensory Deprivation Land Shark

    This one looks kinda cool at first:

    "Just make sure you don't wear that around Grandpa Brody.
    You don't want to trigger another flashback."

    It has everything a good costume should -- a terrifying beast, graphic death and dismemberment, beady little eyes. But think about how you would actually wear this thing. You roll the giant felt condom over your child, but where do their hands go? If you said "the fins," apparently you suck at designing Halloween costumes, because their hands actually go into the legs in the shark's mouth, making your kid walk around like a raptor all night. And we use "walk" in the loosest sense of the word, since the bottom of the costume is so tight that their legs can't move freely, making them hobble around like Morticia Addams. And, hey, how the hell do they see out of this thing?

    Details, details.

    They don't. So maybe it's a good thing they can't move very fast, otherwise they'd be a giant, blind hazard to themselves. The reviews confirm that Bruce up there is a full-body-bind death trap. But if they do get the hang of this monstrosity, they can always get a job on Katy Perry's dance crew.

    #6. Baby's First Cigarette

    If we had to make a list of "The 6 Worst Costumes For Your Kids To Be Wearing When Child Protective Services Comes Around," we'd probably put this bad boy at #2:

    "Brought to you by Young Fritz cigars!"

    It only gets the #2 spot because a) you could plausibly play this off as one of those giant worms that feeds off volcanic vents at the bottom of the ocean and b) this related costume also exists:

    "Not only are your parents awful but they can't roll a fatty worth ****."

    To our knowledge, an e-cigarette version doesn't exist yet, but you'll know the second it does because nobody will be able to shut the **** up about it.

    NEXT PART 2 ----->>>>> http://community.nadespam.com/threa...s-for-people-who-hate-their-kids-part-2.1439/