INFO 11 Great Halloween Costumes For (people Who Hate Their) Kids - Part 2

No one can tell you what the right costume is, but we can definitely tell you what the wrong ones are.

#5. Pinocchio: A Giant Choking/Tripping Hazard
Disney characters are always a hit with kids. There are plenty of classics to choose from, like Cinderella, Snow White, or Pinocchio:


"Guaranteed to make your child unable to walk or hold anything at all!"

Oh. Oooooh boy. This one is not going to end well. Hey, guys, how's a kid gonna walk with the marionette bits still attached to him? The first bush that kid passes is going to make him faceplant, and the first passing car he gets too close to is going to send his limbs spinning through the air, likely in different directions.

Everyone already knows Pinocchio is a puppet, right? We don't need the strings there to remind us of that. Hell, even in the actual movie, as soon as the Blue Fairy animates him in defiance of God and nature, Pinocchio loses the strings because the animators realized that every loose nail he passed would be a potential hanging/dismemberment hazard.


Ade Due Damballa! Give me the power, I beg of you!

Also, you're not fooling anyone with the following quote, Anytime Costumes. "Pinocchio is one of the most popular* characters boys love**."

*marginal
**from 1940-1941

#4. What Is Even Happening Here
No one is even making an attempt at explaining what this is supposed to be. A pea? An eye-gouged Kermit after a big meal? An obese sports fan suffering from gangrene, or Violet Beauregarde on a trip to the Green Giant factory?


It's a scene from Willy Wonka And The Acceptable Brussels Sprout Warehouse,
which Roald Dahl agreed to write after a particularly onerous tax bill.

#3. Guarantee Your Kid Gets Hit By A Car
This costume is similar in concept to the green blimp boy but with two crucial features removed: the ability for any driver to see the black-out costume and the removal of the air cushion that would soften the blow when the child is inevitably mowed down by a motorist:


"This is the same stuff they use on the stealth bomber!"

We really can't figure out the point of this costume, other than possibly being a faceless, formless shadow person and ... OK, yeah, that's a little creepy. Even if someone did manage to see the kid in their headlights, they might run him over anyway just to keep Hell at bay.


"That damn Pet Sematary has been nothing but trouble since they built it."

#2. A Little Imagination Goes A Long Way
Occupational costumes are always a safe option for youngsters. The key is to pick a costume that represents a career that's aspirational, like an astronaut, debonair archaeologist, or robo-bullfighter. Children don't know about student loans yet -- they should still be allowed to dream big. Here's what you don't do: Don't just point to the next person you encounter in your day-to-day life and say, "That works. You'll be that guy."


"See, daddy? I'm dressed up like mommy's special friend!"

Not that there's anything wrong with being a UPS driver. If it wasn't for the fact that it's obviously a child in a picture, you might think you accidentally stumbled into the roleplay costumes section of the costume website. This is a problem for children, because you can carry the role of delivery man only so far without taking off your pants. You drop off the Amazon package and then what? Collect your actually quite large paycheck?

At least UPS drivers and mailmen get to play the role of a modern-day Santa Claus. We can see how kids could go for that. It's a little bit harder imagining the guy directing traffic during pothole repairs as a standout selection for a kids' costume party.


Jeans that show your crack sold separately.

While the reflective vest undoubtedly makes this a safe costume -- how do you play road crew? Make all the other kids late for class?




Well, they'll be around screaming kids all day, so we guess it's fitting.

Here we have Bus Driver and Waiter, which are curious choices, since an occupational Halloween costume usually represents a dream job you hope to have one day, and both of these jobs are ones you usually hold while daydreaming of other jobs. But if the prospect of holding down a steady job doesn't appeal to you, there's always the alternative ...


"I even sharpened my own spoon!"

Actually, there was a time when parents dressed their kids up like hobos for Halloween. So at least we aren't using society's most vulnerable and tragic population as costume fodder anymore. Yay, us?

#1. Ensure That Someone Urinates On Your Child
Nobody likes the idea of their kid being bullied, but kids are notoriously creative when it comes to cruelty, so one of your jobs as a parent is to try to minimize the opportunities for such meanness. For instance, try to a choose a baby name that doesn't rhyme with, or even sorta sound like, any part of the human anatomy. On a similar note, don't dress up your kid like a goddamn toilet:


"It's a performance art piece representing where I'll have to eat lunch tomorrow to avoid my classmates."

Barring early onset puberty coupled with a hereditary pee fetish, what child would ever want to dress up like a toilet? First things first, you're going to get peed on. Like, that's just a thing you need to accept if you're going trick-or-treating as a commode. If the bullies are big enough to hold you down, there's a good chance you're going to get pooped on too. So, please, don't wear this costume ever.

And, God forbid, if you do, don't point at your junk for pictures. We're pretty sure the child posing for this photo was heckled so hard his parents put him in WITSEC.

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